I have been in 4 separate relationships over the past 25 years...I have had 4 separate relationships, one right after another, totaling 25 years. Oh I don't consider that a bad thing, just a mis-spent youth, as I have learned a lot and grown because of it. Haha. I know myself now but as for the opposite sex and how to get along with them...not so much and that makes nervous about it all.
I haven't decided if it is going to be easier or harder to meet someone to spend my remaining years with now that I am 47. In fact sometimes I think I a better off without. Here are things I ponder now: Everyone's bodies start falling apart sooner or later and it only seems right that your partner is on the same schedule as you regarding falling apart, but what if you cannot find someone as messed up as you? Then you are left with finding someone who can tolerate you...perhaps by being very forgiving, or blind, deaf or mute depending on your issues. One thing is for sure you don't want to find someone worse off than yourself so you aren't spending the rest of your days playing wet nurse. Really, think about it...if you have lost all of your teeth and wear dentures, do you really want a partner who has all of his or her original teeth looking at you when you take out your dentures, and/or putting them back in? Yeah nothing says romance like looking at your partner and feeling like you're dating your grandmother or grandfather! What about extra flab about the middle? Your partner better have the same or a little more unless you hook up with someone with a fetish for flab (fortunately the dark is your best friend in those kinds of situations) but even then will you worry every time he or she stares instead of glancing at someone bigger than you??? How about when you're getting ready to go out on the town and you have to change your insoles from one pair of orthopedic shoes to another pair so you shoes will somewhat match your outfit? Or say your hearing is just bad enough that you need to be looking at a person when they speak to you and your partner is very active and tends to get a little ahead so that you keep yelling WHAT? WHAT? Then add to that having such horrible relationships in the past that have left you extremely scarred so that you flinch when your partner raises his or her voice a bit, or raises a hand to reach for something quickly...will you have to explain every time that you're sorry it's just an automatic reaction? Imagine having all of the above wrong with you and hoping to meet someone to spend you're remaining days (20-40 years at least)..come on...really?
I have personally given up. I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship with someone with out apologizing for something, or flinching for some reason, or seeming frigid even though deep down I feel like a volcano ready to erupt?! I think I am too broken to mend in this lifetime. I wasted my good years being with crazy (and I don't mean the good kind of crazy) men and my penance is to spend the rest of my years alone and celibate. Once you accept that inevitability it is easier to be happy and at peace, focusing on humanitarian projects, or helping family and friends, and focusing on my spiritual studies of course.
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