Attempting to Reroute or Remove Negative Self Talk

Well, overall my life is coming along pretty well. I like myself but I still cannot say with feeling, I love myself. Before I came close to liking myself, I went through a program at the VA hospital called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (Dialectical = black/white, good/bad, right/wrong - polar opposites type of thinking, no gray area or compromise considered initially). DBT was created by Marsha Linehan from the University of Washington and it was originally intended to help those with Borderline Personality Disorders. However, it was discovered that DBT was and is equally effective in helping those with Bipolar Disorder (like me, type II, i.e. no hallucinations or delusions of grandeur to say the least), and those with anxiety disorders, as well as, those suffering from depression, just to name a few disorders. Anyway, I graduated from the program. It helped me be more aware, or mindful, of my feelings, thoughts, actions/reactions, and it offered me tools to help me respond differently in difficult situations which, meant being more effective, etc. However, no matter how much I love the program and feel I have a great counselor, I still want to be more proactive in improving my health.

For example, I am strongly considering taking winter classes as I keep feeling an urge to be sharing something creative in my life. Some volunteer work is still a goal (the more we help others, the less we examine our own lives too much thereby being more thankful for what we have). As of my birthday on November 1st, I made a resolution to two dear friends, and myself as well as the Lord, to begin exercising at least two days a week initially to make it a manageable habit. I have been eating a little healthier, whole grains and organic foods, more fruit and juice, less soda pop, more protein and a lot more water for overall well being. However, to spite that I don't feel motivated to do much else right now and sleep is my best friend/worst enemy.

I feel I waste entirely too much time; not doing things I would like to but don't feel the energy to do. I need to get over that so when I do take classes, I will be as successful as I was when I received an associates degree from CCC years and years ago. I don't feel confident enough to handle school right now so I may be enrolling in the spring or summer. I chose to not to beat myself up for postponing my education a little longer to increase successfulness.

It is the notion of my perceived flaws in myself that gets me into trouble emotionally and it also perpetuates my PTSD due to all of the abuse I have endured over the years. I know it is possible to alter one's way of thinking, to be mindful and non-judgmental of ourselves. I have also heard many times over the years "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" (I believe the author is unknown). Anyway, I don't see many teachers, per se, but am anxious to make more positive changes so, I am seeking teachers.

Speaking of teachers, while I was online on Facebook tonight, I read a quote that I think sums up what I do to self sabotage myself: "You and your opinion of yourself affects what you materially create in your life. Do you put yourself on sale? When you undervalue who you are, the world undervalues what you do. And when you undervalue what you do, the world undervalues who you are. Becoming powerful in every aspect of your life starts with seeing your value.
--Suze Orman"

I have heard that message stated differently in many books, tapes, sermons, and in attendance of groups of national speakers. When I read "Do you put yourself on sale?" in that quote it opened my eyes. So, now I am on a mission to find techniques to help me make corrections when negative thoughts creep into my head and to be more aware of the language I use describing myself. All negative self talk adds to under valuing myself. I have DBT skills under my belt but the negative stuff seems easier to believe and so it slips through my mental barriers easier so it will be a worth while challenge.

I believe I have not ever come close to reaching my potential, and if I am insecure then it is much more likely I will attract other insecure people in my life, minus those few real gems that I call true friends. I WANT to value myself so I have been online searching for more techniques to help myself put the past in the past where it belongs to reduce PTSD, then I can truly embrace the present which is a gift to be accepted and treasured.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you can relate, I hope I have helped. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!