In a State...

I have loved one man for almost 30 years...my age an issue initially then distance, which has always worked against us being together, as well as, other people and our own timing. We would drift apart then find each other (by phone then email) years later. My feelings remained even through two marriages, one of which, left me blessed with the most awesome stepson whom I love as my own. I feel so blessed with my son that I have no regrets.

I recently had an opportunity to see the man I have loved for so long but visiting him seemed only possible if we were planning a "hook up" as discussed in a phone call. I realized I could not do that no matter how much I long to see him again. I soul searched about the possibility, but considering the love in my heart, a "hook up" meant the likelihood I would fall in love with him again. I love him as a friend now but it has taken time to get there because I was so hurt when tried to see him in person in 2000 when he refused to see me after I arrived and even though I was there for 4 days over a weekend.

So, I decided to write to him via email about not being able to visit for the sake of a "hook up" and why. It's been a week and he has not responded. I shouldn't be surprised because of the emotions expressed in the email and I asked no questions requiring a response. I could surmise that no comment meant he shrugged his shoulders about the whole thing and I poured my heart out for nothing?

Anyway, my life is rather dull right now. I live with my long time friend and her daughter. They moved in with me, then we got a bigger place together. I am happy I moved because I a so close to a rec center I am a member of due to where I live. My feet are still bothering me so I cannot walk very far at once and putting weight on one foot is difficult often so I cannot lift weights (which I love) yet. I am looking forward to getting a car so I can feel a part of the world again. Ironically, longer I am isolated, the more anxious I am about being around groups of people. I really want to go to church but the one closest to my home is huge and that makes me feel nauseous. I really miss my previous church.

Well, is it any wonder why I sleep in and my naps are long, as well as, going to bed by 1am (it used to be 3 or 4). When I have energy to do things, it is too late to make noise in my room in our apartment, unlike my former home that was in a duplex. I need to see if I can plug in headphones in my TV and get a cord long enough I can recline in bed while watching movies, etc. I am tired again so it's nap time.