Issues at rest?

I believe all of us have issues of some sort...and I have worked methodically to get over mine. I have been successful in many ways via life experience, counseling and church. However, I have one male friend with whom I have wondered "what if" about, since we began a long distance relationship while I was a junior in high school. We drifted apart, then I searched and found him, then drifted apart again, and I searched for him many years until one day in 2000 when he found me via the internet. For me it felt like it was finally meant to be as I had just physically separated from my second husband and our divorce was in the works. I was crazy with delight over my male friend and I reuniting online, so much so, that I was overcome with the urge to look into his eyes again. So, I made arrangements to travel to the state he resided in and asked him to see me, as I felt it would be beneficial for both of us. My heart was light and I was happy with myself then because I liked my looks for a change, i.e. I wasn't too heavy nor too skinny, I had short sassy cool hair, I had learned to wear makeup selling Mary Kay products for awhile, I had nice clothes that fit well and I had an awesome black cowboy hat. lol

Frustratingly, when I calld him at work to let him know I was in town, he refused to see me at all. I was briefly a woman scorned, who chose not to invade his workplace in order to see him, even though I was very hurt that we were so close (in distance) to seeing each other and being able to look into each other's eyes. I could hardly stand it. So, I decided to spend the rest of that day getting drunk then calling my sister Jan and crying hysterically to her about it all. He eventually called me later that night to apologize but it didn't help my heart and I really didn't get a solid answer as to why we couldn't meet. Anyway, I spent the rest of that long weekend doing things to try to help myself feel better, i.e. driving my red, rented mustang convertible around town, going to a comedy show, flirting with the comedian afterwards (waste of time), going to a dance club at the Bilagio (realizing I wasn't interested in being a Cougar so I left), doing a lot of shopping, and ordering lots of room service. Sadly, the whole trip ended up being a huge waste of effort and money. Almost everthing I bought was stolen months later and my bank account was in arrears shortly after returning home due to all of the debit/visa charges during the trip, so I had to borrow money from a friend to keep from losing my house, literally. Yes, I was angry and I thought my anger had helped me get over the "what if" feelings but I couldn't stay angry.

He and I ended up remaining friends but our friendship changed a lot over the past 10 years. He used to call once in awhile speaking for a little less than a minute just to check in with me. He would sometimes say something in emails indicating some nostalgia with regard to me. Then there have been times when he seemed to want just to argue with me or make light of something I was being meloncholy about (old memories and such). I must say that when we seemed to "argue" it was usually just my reaction to his way of offering advice. The last time I felt slighted however was a few days ago and it surprised me that it cramped my heart. Intellectually, I know that we would not likely be a good match anyway (since I am not a sports fanatic, nor do I have strong feelings about politics and he is married to his job, just to name a few), and yet I still want to see him just for a short time before I can shake this feeling that has, in fact, never really went away at all after the first time our eyes met. The night my heart cramped, I went for a walk in search of margaritas but the local bars had closed early, as well as the local markets so I walked home in the cold night air and recalled that approx. 5 years ago, my friend mentioned that he thought it would be fun to see me but he could only meet me half way and that meant I would have had to lie to my boyfriend at the time and to my step daughter, but no matter how much I disliked my boyfriend, I knew I couldn't lie convincingly for such a rendezvous. So, I called it off and he said he was relieved anyway since he really didn't have the extra money for such an affair.

One might think that our friendship would be easier now that we're older and presumably wiser. We are both single but it seems we have both decided that the opposite sex is more of a pain that what they are worth regarding relationships. I am happy to have him as a friend even if it is more on the surface, a "lighter" friendship, than it I felt it was not so long ago. I just wish I could figure out how to shake this feeling I have carried around so many years about seeing him face to face again. It seems it will never happen so I should just get over it. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I sometimes frustrate him I think when I take things he says too seriously and I know if I push an issue too much, he can do the silent treatment as well as my mother (RIP) could. Overall, I know not what to do but to continue wondering and enjoying as much of him as he is willing to share and I will continue to pray about it all.